The right to remain silent

An ongoing addition to the Sh*t My Kid Says series!

Kid: I have no rights!

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Mom: Well, dear, most people who pay no taxes and don't pay any room and board have very few rights. 

But, hey... everyone has the right to remain silent.

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New Series: Sh*t My Kid Says

Sure, it can be funny when an adult child lives with their even older adult parent. But what about all of us middle-aged parents out there living with our teenage kids?

I am sure that there will be some pretty head-shaking stuff that will be heard within any parent's walls!

Here are a few examples from the parenting archives:
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Mom: Dinner's ready!

Kid: I'm not hungry.

Mom: OK. But you need to eat.

Kid: But I'm not hungry!

[about 10 minutes later...]

Kid: Mom? Can we go get some ice cream?

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Mom: "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

Kid: "who wants flies?" 

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Stay tuned for new and humorous (or frustrating?) entries in this series!

Do you hear what I hear?

No, my friends. It's not Christmas carol time. 

What I hear is the deafening clanging sound of my ex-husband's big brass balls!

Not only did he neglect to return my child after summer visitation and deny my requests to see my child on school breaks thus far, but now I am also expected to continue to pay for my child's out of state medical expenses.

The madness continues. 

Today's mantras as I navigate the madness. 

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Who wants flies?

Mom always used to say:

"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

I get the idea. But with most teens, all you will get for a response is "who wants flies?"

...back to the old drawing board.

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Dinner's ready!

Mom: Dinner's ready!

Kid: I'm not hungry.

Mom: OK. But you need to eat.

Kid: But I'm not hungry!

[about 10 minutes later...]

Kid: Mom? Can we go get some ice cream?

What do you think Mom's answer was?
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(PS -----> be careful what you ask for... sometimes you get more than you bargained for!)

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"sibling alienation syndrome"

Mom used to say that siblings are one of the closest human relationships. Siblings are truly a part of who we are as people. They shared our growing up, they know where we come from--they are an integral part of where we come from.

What is one sibling to do when they are unexpectedly deprived of being with their sibling for the first time in their life? This is a pain and loss that tends to be overlooked -- in amongst all the smoke screens and noise of the much discussed alienated parent-child relationships.

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The Magic School Bus

Mom! I missed the bus!

Well, dear, sometimes the first step is admitting you have a problem. 

The pot calling the kettle black!

Why is it that people who minimize, justify, and blame others for their behaviors are the very ones who are guilty of the things they accuse others of?

Have you seen the list of "criteria" for PAS? It just so happens that the 1st one on the list the other parent is definitely guilty of--now that he has detained my child without my agreement. 

"Criteria I involves the active blocking of access or contact between the child and the absent parent."

Now, as one of my children has been "kid-napped" I made my first request for my child to "visit" me (the primary residential custodial parent for the majority of that child's life) on their first school break next month. This request was summarily denied (surprise, surprise).

 

That not only sounds like the "parental alienation" which the out-of-town parent was accusing me of (because he didn't want to pay for for the travel expenses) -- but he is in actuality now alienating my child from contact with me. Yes, parental alienation happens. 

“Parental alienation happens, but there’s no clinical syndrome you can say in court and get away with. Richard Gardner was a charlatan, and hundreds of women and children across the country have been damaged because of his crazy idea. PAS is not in the DSM-IV and it never will be.” (Paul Jay Fink, professor of psychiatry at Temple University School of Medicine)

 

But the syndrome that he said my children had was just not the case with my children. It was a smoke screen to cover his abusive actions, and his neglectful in-actions.It is an adult disorder, not a child syndrome.

That parent has been threatening me with keeping the kids at the end of every summer for over a decade -- but this was the summer that parent finally acted on the "kid-napping."

Although I was accused of such "alienation" by the other parent (without cause) I did not withhold visitation contact through the years--even went as far as to pay for the air fare to get the kids to their visitation. 

The pot calling the kettle black! 

"PAS was also used to take children away from mothers who wanted to move away with the children, or asked for child support from fathers. The Gardner followers didn't seem to notice or care that PAS was not even a real mental health disorder, or that Gardner's writings showed that he had a biased, disrespectful view of women, and a perverted attitude about child abuse."

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Mean People Suck

Kid-napping (term used sort of tongue-in-cheek to mask the pain of the loss) made easy in just three simple steps:

1. tell the custodial parent all through the school year that you "cannot afford" to fly the child out for visitation
2. let the child know that you, the out-of-town parental unit, are the "victim" parent in the equation
3. once you have the child in your residence for summer visitation simply refuse to put them back on the plane (without telling that parent) to the residential custodial parent's home.

Sound too good to be true? Well it's not! And it happened to this residential custodian this very year!
What is a parent to do? Well, the law is on the side of the primary residential custodial parent--but all it takes is money for the lawyers and travels expenses and court costs necessary to retrieve one's child.
I never used to understand why it was so easy for individuals to "kid-nap" children (often their own biologic children), but I am now painfully getting the picture.

(As a footnote, remember to secure the "kid-napped" child's loyalty in the new local with promises of various trips and many new material possessions.)

Mean people suck.

Hearts are broken.

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divorce

Parenting is not a Chess Game

Children are not pawns. 

Children are not trophies. 

Children are not possessions. 

Children are not weapons. 

In many cases "Parental alienation syndrome" can look more like a syndrome the accusing parents have--than a malady of the children.

"PAS" has been generally defined as a child's denigration of a parent without justification. That last part is the key. How often can there truly be no justification? Children naturally love their parents and are often some of the most forgiving creatures on the planet. When a young person decides that they way their parent has treated them is unacceptable, it pours salt in the wounds of that child to dismiss the young person's feelings and label the child with a "syndrome."

 

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Carry-out

You ever wonder how it can be that you can ask your kids for decades to please gather up all their trash and crap and take it with them when they leave your car... but they don't get it -- until you leave something in their car?

Things that make you go Hmm...

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The WTF Syndrome

Don't you hate it when people take advantage of people, take people for granted, lie, cheat and steal and then decide to sum it all up by labeling the injured party as the victim of a "syndrome"? (As opposed to the unfortunate target of their own abusive and neglectful behaviors.) If it were up to me, I would call that the WTF Syndrome.

My kids have been through the ringer with their father over the years. I won't waste characters here detailing the crap he has put them through. And yet, recently, he has decided he actually wants to be a parent--well, to one of our children anyway. He told one of the lesser malleable children that they were "too difficult" to be welcomed for the regular summer visitation with their father. Obviously, the kids were heartbroken. But the favored child did still make their annual trek for visitation.

Long story short. That favored child was not placed back on their return flight home at the end of summer. And the "difficult" child was left behind here--without a father and without a sibling.

And to add insult to injury? The far away father decided not only to keep the younger more impressionable child but to label the older more sagacious child as the "victim of parental alienation syndrome." 

First, that "syndrome" is not a recognized disorder. Sure, that doesn't mean that parents can't (and don't) do things to annoy and alienate their children, it just means that PAS is being used by some abusive parents as a tactic to demonize a parent's attempts to protect their children from abuse (much more than the obvious  physical abuse--more often emotional, psychological, financial).

What can be done? Not much. See why I call it the WTF syndrome?

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