Gaslight Theater

Being a parent of teens is a challenge. It is not easy. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the hard of hearing. It is not for the half awake.

Why?

Because if you are not at the top of your game for most every encounter with a teenager you will find yourself scratching your head saying "Am I crazy?"

Why?

Because teenagers seem innately talented in directing and staring in "Gaslight Theater." What the heck am I talking about? Know what "Gaslighting" is?

In a nutshell: "False information is presented to the parent by the teen with the intent of making the parent doubt their own memory or perception."  

I don't think that too many parents ever buy tickets to this "production" that their kids continually attempt to stage anyway. Parents know what they said. Parents know what the kids said. Parents know the deal.

Take that show on the road kids!

parenting

behavior

teens

Freedom?

Isn't that the wish of every teenager? All they want is freedom.

I have one teen who can't wait to "graduate" and have all the "freedom" in the world. Then I have another teen who can't wait to get their driver's license because then they can "go wherever they want and do whatever they want." Neither of those two teens seem to be able to hear that freedom costs.

Teens seem to think that their parents live to rob them of their freedom. They probably won't see for years to come that these years are some of the most free. Free of bills, free of landlords, free of a full-time employer. If they think that parents exact a lot from them, just wait until they get the "freedom" they live for.

That first teen? Once you graduate then you have a landlord to pay rent to, a college to pay tuition to, a job to not call out sick from, an electric bill to pay, cable/Internet/cell to pay for, car maintenance, etc. All you parents out there know full well. The second teen? Just getting a license to drive does not mean that you have full license to go where you want and do what you want. First, you have to get a job to be able to get a car, or if family has given a car, then you need to work to provide gas, and need to earn the privileges to go places.

To try and tell teens this? It is like I am speaking a language that they have no comprehension to translate. Freedom is not a right, it is a privilege earned. Freedom is not free, it is expensive. I guess every generation has to learn the hard way, huh?

parenting

behavior

teens

"He who is contented is rich." - Lao Tsu

Give an inch...

As a parent, often times it is not at all surprising to turn around and see that when we give our kids an inch -- they have taken a mile. Even though it may not be surprising, it is always disappointing.

children

parenting

behavior

Welcome to "adulthood."

Any parent out there knows that most teens suffer from E.D. Wait a minute, before you misunderstand, I am referring to "entitlement disorder." They want all the privileges and perks of being in the adult world, such as TV, Internet, cell phone, meals out, a car, driver's license and trips to the mall, etc. -- without having to carry out the responsibilities required to provide those luxuries.
 

Fast forward to today.

I had to work today (a Sunday). That happens for adults sometimes. Teen was like: "aw that's too bad, well OK bye, I'm back to the Internet and a movie." Then the phone rings. It is teen's job. This teen was due in to work in 5 minutes. But this teen "didn't really want to work today," but I went ahead and dropped off the burgeoning "adult" at their job on my way to mine.
Mom wasn't the most popular person in the world. But, welcome to "adulthood."

children

parenting

behavior

musings

Good Cop, Bad Cop

"Not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true." (Richard Bach)

I believe that being a Mom automatically means that you are equipped by a sixth sense. That sixth sense is the ability to just know deep in your gut when your kid is lying to you.  Why do they lie? Why are they so cavalier when they lie right to our faces? Some teens believe if they protest their innocence long enough, parents will begin to doubt themselves, but that's not going to happen... not in this parental circle.

"I think parents have to deal with lying the way a cop deals with speeding. If you’re going too fast, he gives you a ticket. He’s not interested in a lot of explanations from you. He’s just going to give you a consequence. Look at it the same way with your child. He didn’t tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld. There should simply be consequences for that. The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early. The second time, you lose your phone. It should be something that the kid feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You lose computer time or TV time.
The consequences have to make the child uncomfortable or they don’t change anything. The idea is that the next time he’s faced with telling you the truth or lying, he’ll recall how uncomfortable he was when he did the consequence for lying, and he’ll tell you the truth instead." (source)

One of the hardest lessons teen may not learn until they are one day a parent is that the trust that is violated by lying is very slowly and difficultly won back. 

children

parenting

behavior

I know you are but what am I?

Remember, when people have something bad to say about you, it's usually because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

life

musings

Step... off!

Exactly which one of the 12 Steps includes the part about blaming everyone else for the pain you cause others?

life

musings

behavior

divorce

parental_alienation_syndrome

Sand and Stone

Promises traced in the sand -- blown away.

Lies carved in stone -- there to stay.


life

musings

"Say goodnight, Gracie"

There comes a time in life when you know realize you have to cut your losses and move on.

It is time to move again. 

Won't be the first time I have moved my family. There has been so much lost and so much unwelcome change.
It is just time to find a place where the changing needs of my family can be accommodated and where we can rebuild and hopefully regain some of what has been lost.

life

musings

children

divorce

Sunday school

Here are a couple lessons on the agenda to learn (although I never was a fan of Sunday school):

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." (Pema Chodron)

life

musings